A Tale of One Mansion and Various Goings-On Within
by AGodAmI
Summary: And so, the novice writer attempted to summarize that which had for centuries been though unsummarizable: It has MAYBE SEX and VIOLENCE and TONS OF THOSE PAIRING THINGS and all that jazz. Right now it's about the glorious people's revolution, but who knows what will happen next? T for now, though there may be lemons and limes eventually, R&R and all that good stuff.
1. Prologue

(Disclaimer: I don't own anything mentioned in this. All copyrights reserved to their respective owners. Owners? Who am I kidding? All copyrights reserved to Nintendo.)

**(AN: Sorry if this seems to ramble about – the words just flowed out of my fingers and onto the computer screen. This is pure literary genius right here, unfiltered by foolish things like a coherent plot or developed characters.)**

**PROLOGUE TO THE PROLOGUE: IN WHICH PEOPLE ARE HIT ON, CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE OUTED (ALTHOUGH, COME ON, IS "OUTED" REALLY THE RIGHT WORD WHEN THEY ONLY HAD ONE FOOT IN THE METAPHORICAL CLOSET IN THE FIRST PLACE?), AND GENERAL ROMANTIC DISCUSSION OCCURS**

**ONE DAY, IN THE BIG MIDDLE ROOM THING OF SMASH MANSION, ABOUT TEA TIME**

The gentlemen and ladies currently occupying the Smash Mansion reclined on their fancy leather sofas and drank of the finest wine like the capitalist pigs they were, occasionally taking bites out of the mountains of caviar generously provided for them by an array of lesser video game mascots* and speaking up to discuss whatever they damn well felt like.

*The Hand brothers can afford all this because, to make a long story short, they detached themselves from the stumps of John D. Rockefeller in 1893 and absconded with his massive fortune, taking it upon themselves to put all the important Nintendo characters (and Sonic, because he forced them to at gunpoint) in a big house and make them fight to the death, because Crazy filled out the paperwork while Master wasn't watching and bought the mansion – however, you probably already knew this. **(AN: footnotes in the middle of the text FTW!)**

"I'll rack up your Nintendogs trainer points…in bed," said Wolf O'Donnell to the newly promoted Sgt. First Class Douglas Hofstader Horatio-Smythe, known to his friends as Pit. "Not now, Wolf! There are people around and bestiality is illegal – I'd get kicked off the force! Plus you know I'm taken." whispered Pit in reply. Wolf shrugged his shoulders at this refusal. "All right then. Don't come crying to me when that shitty-ass thing you call a boyfriend runs right into my sexy, manly arms tomorrow."

"So did I tell you guys about my girlfriend?" ventured Popo. "Her name is Jessica, and she's a supermodel – she says she likes a man who can climb ice. I tried to set up a date with her tonight, so excuse me if I leave partway through this shebang – I'll be having hot sexy sex with a beautiful woman, unlike literally everyone else here."

"Pika pi pika Pikachu!" exclaimed Pikachu, which Red helpfully translated as "But Pikachu sleeps on a big pile of money and makes love to beautiful women constantly!"

"Shut up, Pikachu. Nobody likes you," retorted Popo (at which point Pikachu began to fill with CRAZY THUNDER RAGE). "And seriously, who among us is a heterosexual male and/or lesbian? I mean, come on, there can't be that many people here who don't like dicks – I've read the fanfictions." Ike, Ganondorf, Wario, Link, Fox, the Mario brothers, King Dedede, Kirby, Yoshi, Pikachu, Snake, Captain Falcon, Red, ROB, Olimar, Lucario, Sonic, and Popo himself raised their hands (or whatever equivalent thing they had). Marth said some phrase in Japanese. "It means 'the cherry blossom flowers in spring, and also I am heterosexual'," offered Ike.

"Wait, Link, _you're _straight? You're the single gayest thing I've ever seen!" remarked Yoshi upon seeing that his green friend's hand was up. "Hey, man, just because I wear earrings and a skirt and have long hair and am hip to the latest fashion trends doesn't mean I'm gay!" answered the Hylian hero.

"Dude, we share a room." said Yoshi. "I've seen the magazines you read – I haven't seen so many dicks since we were all at that Romney fundraiser with Jimmy Carter's grandson." Most of the gang murmured in agreement about that fateful day as Link's cheeks flushed red. "Those magazines are for research purposes only! I'm majoring in…uh…the psychology of the human penis! At Yale!" "Sure thing, buddy, and I'm the queen of England." witticized (which is a word now) his opponent.

"You know what, Yoshi? Fuck you. Fuck your goddamn transvestite girlfriend too. And while I'm on the subject of fucking people, Pit, I've never liked how your bow splits in half. That's an abomination if I ever saw one!" Link's eyes were wet with tears of shame and embarrassment as he sullenly sulked away from the party-thing.

On his way back to a lonely existence of drinking and shooting up heroin, the green-tuniced (which is also a word, despite what Microsoft 2010 thinks) hero passed by the room his protégé shared with those two boys his age (Less and Nucas? No, that can't be right) with whom he did everything. His hand was on the doorknob when he read the scribbled sign, in English, Hylian, and Mandarin Chinese, reading "DO NOT DISTURB ADVENTURE IN PROGRESS." "Well, then, I'd best leave them be," said Link to no one in particular, heading off to his room.

**PROLOGUE: IN WHICH WACKY ADVENTURES COME TO A CLOSE (THAT'S ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME) AND ALSO A BODY IS FOUND, JESUS, MOOD WHIPLASH ANYONE?**

**MEANWHILE, IN THE LANDS BEYOND THE DORM ROOM DOOR**

Ness spat out some seawater as the three boys (and Diddy Kong, whom they had invited to play with them that day IN A DECISION THAT WOULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES) clung for dear life onto the last remaining part of what used to be the King of Red Lions. "Captain's log, star date a few days after the crash. Today we cast lots to determine whom to eat. Then Lucas pointed out that we could just eat Diddy Kong because people in the Philippines do it all the time or something. I told him goddammit why don't you move to the Philippines if you like it so much you fucking idiot because random chance is the only fair way, But Ness and Lucas had already killed Diddy Kong and ate most of the tasty flesh by the time I started losing my voice."

Toon Link's recording of the voyages of the recently re-named S.S. Toon Link Is Awesome Lucas Is Gay were promptly interrupted by Ness piping up "Hey, Toony, can you stop with this 'captain's log' stuff? It's getting annoying, and I'm kinda sick." "Fool! A ship should never go down without her captain!" yelled TL. "No, seriously, my stomach doesn't feel good. I think it's the meat," glubbered Ness, glubberily.

"Wait, what? Hold on, exit simulation." ordered TL. The sounds, smells, tastes, sights, and…touches?... of the trio's Dreamatorium-tastic sea voyage powered down and they were left in their ordinary room. "Shit, guys, you actually ate Diddy!" exclaimed the boy in green. "Mm-hm." agreed Lucas, wiping his blood-stained face with a fancy cloth napkin. "He was delicious, too. Watery, but with a smack of ham." "This is no time for pop culture references! We have to hide the body!" said an anguished TL, furiously shoving Diddy Kong's now unrecognizable corpse under Ness's bed. "If the Hands find out, we're in deep shit." "Don't worry, Toony, they won't suspect a thing. Even if they do, we can always pin it on Link." assured the sideways-baseball-cap-wearing (he has many positive traits; style is not one) boy.

**(AN: WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT OMG!?1/!? But seriously, stuff's gonna get normal around here in Chapter 1, which you will know as Chapter 2 OR WILL IT? IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOU DEAR READER (AND HOPEFULLY (GOOD) REVIEWER).)**


	2. Chapter 1

**(AN: If you're reading this, it means I liked what I was hearing from my loyal fanbase/minions, which means you all get cookies. As a bonus reward, this chapter actually focuses on things! BTW, I had the first two chapters typed up in advance, so later updates may come more sporadically.)**

**CHAPTER ONE: IN WHICH THERE IS MUCH PRISON TIME SERVED, BUT DON'T WORRY, LATER CHAPTERS WILL HAVE MORE PRISON TIME**

**THE DAY AFTER, IN THE COURTROOM THE HANDS BOUGHT WITH THEIR FUCKTONS OF MONEY**

"By the power vested in me, Crazy T. Hand, by the glorious co-Founding Father of Smash Mansion, Crazy T. Hand (remember, kids, always respect the Founders' original intentions!), I hereby sentence you, Ness Johnson, and you, Lucas Webster, to ten years in prison with the option of parole after 5 years. We will lock your dorm from the outside and take away your electronics and all those things you young'uns are using these days. Toon Link shall room with the Ice Climbers for the time being. AND SO IT IS DECIDED." boomed Crazy across the court room, half of which erupted in cheers – the whole gang had showed up to support both sides, pitting brother against brother, boyfriend/girlfriend against girlfriend/boyfriend (New Fan Fiction Mad Libs! Only $19.99!), and now-former BFF against BFF.

"Well, folks, this case was a nailbiter right up until the end, but there you have it. Personally, I think the piece of evidence that really tipped the jury over to the prosecution's side was the video footage of those boys slowly ripping out and eating chunks of Diddy Kong's flesh, don't you, Mr. District Attorney?" asked Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Sonic, who always asks the tough questions.

"That's right, Sonic. After we showed the court that video, Kirby didn't really have much of a comeback – he was mostly playing defense after that." "I see what you did there, you handsome devil. You know, my whole family has voted Democratic for generations, but I've always had a soft spot for you, Mr. Eisenhower. For SNN, I'm Sonic T. Hedgehog in Smash Mansion. Now back to you, Snake, at our headquarters in Smash Mansion."

"Thanks, Sonic. Now to our top story tonight: Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. Dr. Mario, what do you have to say about this?" The aforementioned doctor appeared on a satellite TV screen from his book tour in London. "Don't a-do drugs, kids!"

"Thanks, Dr. Mario. Now to another topic," reported the self-styled Dear Leader of SNN, Snake. "Welcome to Part 1 of our potentially 3,650-part series, _What the Hell is Going On in That Makeshift Prison Cell?_ Let's head to our security camera to find out."

**MEANWHILE, IN THE MAKESHIFT PRISON CELL**

The two newly-minted inmates lay back on their beds – thankfully, the powers that be had allowed them to keep their shorts, striped shirts, and Ness's hat. "So, uh, Ness?" asked Lucas timidly. "Yeah?" responded Ness. "Have you ever, you know, had a girlfriend or boyfriend or anything?" "Nah. People have asked me out, mostly 'cause I'm popular and play baseball and am an all-around damn sexy beast, but I've never actually gone out with anyone. To tell you the truth, I've never actually kissed anyone outside of my family." said the older boy.

"So are you gay or straight or what?" asked Lucas. "Frankly, I'm not even that sure myself. Gun to my head, I guess I'd say I'm bisexual – I can see the appeal of both sexes and I…well I'm Catholic so I doubt I'm allowed to talk about the other stuff." answered Ness. "What about you, Luke?"

"Oh, I'm gay." responded Lucas matter-of-factly. "I've watched more gay porn than probably everyone else in the mansion combined while my parents and Claus were out. And I've been attracted to Kirby since I first laid eyes on him. And I've been feeling all hormonal about guys these days, especially when I'm in the shower. And I get hard when I watch the gay porn – should've mentioned that earlier, now that I think about it."

"True, true, though Kirby can make even the straightest man wither before his godlike beauty," said Ness. "While we're at it, wanna list crushes? I'm told it's a wacky way to get romantic feelings out in the open – and that leads to sexy time."

Lucas was confused. "I'm confused," he said. "Are you trying to get me to have sex with you? Because I will if you want to."

"Nah, I just feel that since we'll be spending the rest of our adolescences with each other we might as well talk about stuff." answered Ness. "So, crushes? I've got Samus, Peach, and Kirby." "Kirby, Pit, Ganondorf, Fox, and…" Lucas mumbled a stream of incoherent syllables.

"What is it, brodawg?" asked Ness. "Something bothering you? My dad's a – wait, Ganondorf?" "Shut up, you know he's hot." "All right, all right, your thing. Anyway, my dad's a therapist, I think I can help you with that last thing – is it about having sex with your mother?"

"Well, Ness, it's…I…Ithinkyou'resmartandhandsomandstrongandnice andcaringandperfectexceptwhenyousaybrodawgandwe've alwaysbeenfriendsbutI'vefeltreallyreallyhappyaroun dyoulikeI'veneverfeltwithanyoneelseandIwannabewith youforareallylongtimeifnotforeverandIthinkIloveyou Ness!" Lucas immediately broke into tears and buried his head in Ness's chest as the older boy stroked his hair, trying to comfort him whilst simultaneously sorting through the whirling mix of emotions in his head. "It's OK, Luke, it's OK. Calm down, Luke, it'll be all right. Shh, calm down, calm down." Ness waited for the waterworks to subside into mere whimpering. Lucas looked up, his face all streaked with tears. "Do you – do you love me, Ness?" he asked, pleadingly, and you can't turn down such a sweet boy. "Uh-huh. I love you." responded Ness, lying the two down on his bed right next to each other as he began kissing the blond boy softly. "I love you too, Lucas…so sexy time now?"

"Not now – we can wait until we've finalized the relationship paperwork with Master and found out how to disable Snake's cameras." said Lucas. "I'm happy with the present."

**(AN: My, my, this is an interesting development. What will happen next? Will Lucas die? Will Ness die? Will Sonic realize his true feelings for Ike? Will the TL/Ice Climbers sleeping situation lead to even more senseless violence? Find out on the next installment of I Forgot The Name Of This Fic 'Cause It's Too Damn Long, That Was Bad Planning On My Part, Sorry Guys! Don't forget to read and review like good little olinguitos.)**


	3. Chapter 2

**(AN: If you're reading this, it means I feel like posting chapter 3, which is really chapter 2. The answers to the questions posed at the end of chapter 2 which is really chapter 1 are, in order: read to find out, all will be revealed in time, maybe if you'd just listen you'd hear the answer, patience young Padawan, wait and see. And with that my duties on this earth are fulfilled.)**

**CHAPTER TWO: IN WHICH PRISON LOSES ITS EXCITEMENT AND SLOWLY TURNS INTO A DRUDGING MARCH TOWARD AN INEVITABLE DEATH – OR WAS THAT A RELATIONSHIP? OH SNAP! WHAT NOW, RELATIONSHIPS? ANYWAY, I LIED BACK THERE – INTERESTING THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPEN IN THIS CHAPTER**

"Well, that was certainly a rather interesting start to our series," said Snake, switching to Camera 3. "But what will come next for our pair of newly minted lovebirds? Will they ever find out that their prison cell is actually part of a giant experiment in human psychology conducted by Crazy Hand? And where the hell is Master Hand? He said he'd be back in two weeks, and that was 15 days ago! Those stories, and Andy Rooney (who we've un-cryogenically frozen and brought to this dimension), tonight."

**MEANWHILE, IN THE MAKESHIFT PRISON CELL (SEVERAL HOURS LATER)**

Ness and Lucas relaxed on their new double bed (because Ikea!) in what was definitely not post-coital bliss, you pervert, they're 13! "So…" said Ness, trailing off after his brain-racking failed to produce any topics of conversation.

"…" said Lucas (a master at saying the unsayable – other gems include "I actually think Congress is all right" and "Tommy Wiseau is a creative genius"), in a similar fashion to the last few punctuation marks his boyfriend had punctuated. Boyfriend? That was such a strange new word to the boy. He rolled it around in his mind-mouth (the mouth in his mind – it would look silly to say "boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend" out loud over and over like an insane person) and decided it was cool. He was Ness's boyfriend, Ness was his boyfriend, they were boyfriends – shit, now it had lost all meaning by virtue of repetition and had turned into a gaggle of useless syllables! Lucas's mind went all crazy and he forgot to use his mind-mouth when saying other words to make up for this distressing new reality.

"Unspeakable wizard zombie ninja pirate robot skeleton KILL FIRE MURDER DEATH clown."

Well, then. That was settled (and it probably didn't need to have started in the first place – it's not like he was ever going to have to say "Hi I'm Lucas and this is my boyfriend"; he was far too timid to assert himself as having someone (at least in that manner – he could totally see himself owning slaves)). Now all that was left to do was sort through the myriad of emotions present on Ness's face, the latter boy having even lost his baseball cap in shock.

"So do you need counseling, Luke?"

"Nope."

Lucas Albert Spencer Plantagenet Thomas Cthulhu Webster: OBE, CSA, Order of Merlin Second Class, Eternal President of North Korea, and now, having just received 280 XP from that encounter, Level 26 Conversator/Dark Elf Hybrid. Life was good.

**ONE WEEK LATER**

"You'd think the Hands would provide us with food. The leaky faucet isn't leaking anymore, and we finished off the last of the Klondike bars yesterday." Lucas bristled at Ness's remark. "Hey, I like Klondike bars! It's not my fault I have a genetic abnormality that allows them to metabolize them rapidly and with extreme efficiency!"

"Calm down, Lukey, calm down. I'm sure we'll find a way, even if we have to synthesize the individual chocolate molecules to do it. My dad's a chemist; he taught me some of the tricks of the trade." assured Ness. "I thought he was a therapist?" asked Lucas. "He's both. Now, I doubt we could make chocolate from scratch without a patented NessCorp Chocotron 3000, and I doubt we could make a patented NessCorp Chocotron 3000 without a rich supply of metal that was probably mined by African child slaves, and I don't like using stuff that has 'African child slaves' in the how-it's-made process, so synthesis is out for now," stated Ness. "Maybe we should check that boarded-up window to see if it's – OH SHIT IT'S NOT AN EXIT. IT'S BEES. IT'S A SWARM OF NASTY BEES. SHIT SHIT SHIT GET THEM OFF ME LUKE GET THEM OFF OH GOD OH JESUS FUCKING SHITTING CHRIST FUCKY FUCK FUCK SHIT I'LL KILL EVERYTHING YOU LOVE WITH FIRE!" The older boy soon realized his mistake as his entire face was covered in bee stings the minute he pried off the first board. "Jesus, Ness, that looks bad." observed Lucas. "No shit it's bad. Are there any bandages around?" queried the object of Lucas's observation. "Also, why am I just 'the object' of your observation? I'm the man in this relationship!"

"Aw, does widdle Nessie wessie want a kissy wissy on his boo boo?" taunted Lucas. "No, you fool! Stay in the kitchen and look for band – oh wait, they're in my backpack. I guess the Boy Scouts did teach me at least some things before I went off to save the goddamn world with no help from them." replied Ness, who, due to his Boy Scout training in multitasking, was able to put on the bandages while ranting about the horrors of his pre-Giygas/Smashing life.

"Hey, Ness?" asked Lucas. "What is it, Luke?" asked Ness, having now placed the last of the bandages on his facial stings. "Look out the window there – I think that's Master Hand's office! But who's inside?" The two boys peered out the sliver of window made available by Ness's board prying to see a lavish land of comfy chairs, desks, lamps, bookshelves, comfy chairs, and purple carpeting – "Master Hand has nice taste" remarked Lucas – currently occupied by a shadowy figure wearing a black cloak.

"Should we call to that shadowy figure wearing a black cloak?" asked Lucas. "No, let's just wait and see what it does." replied Ness. And so they waited for the longest time, whoa oh, for the longest time, until Ness told Lucas to shut up with the singing because the SFWABC had noticed and maybe they should get away from the window, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE, as said SFWABC had already hurried over to the window, knocking on the glass to get the boys' attention.

"Now listen here," it said, MENACINGLY, "you boys are being punished, all right? So I don't want any funny business going on here, 'mkay? 'Mkay. Now we're settled."

"Hey, I recognize that voice!" exclaimed Ness. "You're – "

AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK. CLIFFHANGER!

**(AN: WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT FOR OUR HEROES? Also, thanks to ohkaylasun for favoriting/reviewing/following (I assume those were all you) my story! You get the last Klondike bar, which I stole out of Lucas's hands like the evil, evil monster I am. Also, the sleeping situation (and many other things) will be discussed in the next installment of Whatever The Name Of This Fic Is, so stay tuned!)**


	4. Chapter 3

**(AN: So this chapter will be more of a filler thing to check on what's happening to the other residents of the mansion in the week where Ness and Lucas ate all the food – I doubt my mother ever had that sentence in her mind when she envisioned my future as a baby – and yes ohkaylasun, that does mean the sleeping situation. Read on to find out more! Also, the Wolf/Pit section (the first one, for people who can't read the "MEANWHILE" headers) has Wolf in it, so that alone might bump the rating up a bit. If you're a slash fic reader who doesn't like sexy times or proto-sexy times, you can just skip that.)**

**CHAPTER THREE: IN WHICH VARIOUS PLOT THREADS CONTINUE TO BE UNRAVELED. FINALLY, MY FIRST SHORT CHAPTER TITLE THAT DOESN'T RAMBLE ON LIKE AN IDIOT – SHIT, DID I JUST RUIN IT?**

**MEANWHILE, IN PIT AND SAMUS'S ROOM, AT APPROXIMATELY MIDNIGHT**

The last man awake was lying in his bed. There was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" called the angel, who couldn't quite muster his angelic voice because he'd shouted himself hoarse during that day's brawl. "It's me, honey. I brought you flowers and the promise of casual sex with no strings attached – this is sex with five-time Star Wolf Magazine Sexiest Wolf Alive Championship Winner, by the way, so you know you're in for a ride."

"Wolf, it's midnight, Pitty Pat has to sleepy sleep." grumbled Pit, rolling over in bed but careful not to disturb Samus. "Can't you go find some other guy to hit on?"

"Aw, but Pit, your room is right across the hall and your cock looks ideal for sucking. I'm doing puppy dog eyes right now, in case you don't have X-ray vision too." pleaded Wolf. "Also if I don't have sex with you by the end of the month, I owe Falco fifty bucks."

Pit pondered this turn of events, covering himself with the blanket to avoid the space pirate's gaze through the door. "Fine, then, you can come in." The door opened to reveal Wolf O'Donnell, naked and erect, holding a dozen roses in his left hand and a bottle of lubricant in his right. "Oh, yeah, I brought this. Wouldn't want to hurt when my massive cock penetrates your fine-looking ass." He put the roses down and began to masturbate in the doorway, stroking his left hand up and down his shaft as Pit watched, both weirded out and strangely transfixed – "No, Pit! We talked about this! No watching guys masturbate unless you've treated them to a nice dinner first and you intend to have sex afterwards."

"…Did you just say that out loud?" asked Wolf quizzically. "Because I don't care about the dinner part." He began to wink at the angel as he started to apply the lube. "By the way, I have condoms if you want – it was very hard to find them in my size without store employees kicking me out. You know how it is with public locations and taking your dick out."

"OK, first off, you sound like an idiot, and second off, I just texted my boyfriend and Lady Palutena this nude picture of you, so I think I hold all the cards. Now scurry off with your tail between your legs and go to sleep." retorted Pit.

"Oh, this is a feisty one. Maybe Mr. Cub can help cool you down…or heat things up. It all depends on what you want, Pitty Pat." said Wolf in his sexy voice, bringing his penis, now dripping with precum, up close to Pit's face. "You know you'll enjoy the feel when he rams right into your asshole, hitting your prostate so hard you'll come ten times in the first five minutes – it doesn't seem possible, and yet it happens all the time with my…consorts. I have the testimonials to prove it."

At this Pit had had enough. He lunged forward with his jaws open and bit deep into Wolf's shaft, leaving a bloody cut where his teeth had been.

Wolf's eye began to twitch as he dropped the lube, his erection immediately wilting.

"You know what? Fuck you, Pit Icarus. Fuck you and fuck your goddamn boyfriend – who, by the way, probably doesn't exist! If it's all the same to you, I'll just leave these flowers here (which I grew myself, thank you very much) and go nurse my war wound. Good day, sir!"

As the door slammed, the angel relaxed back into his bed, confident that those noise-canceling headphones all the young'uns had would protect Samus from that awkward situation, and began to stroke his own erection, because while (and this is a tip for all you potential suitors) he was rather turned off by talking dirty, Pit had to admit he did enjoy it when nude men appeared before him unbidden.

**MEANWHILE, AT THE** **LAW OFFICES OF IKE AND MARTH**

It was another slow day for Ike: no murders, no robberies, not even a little private property violation. All was peaceful in the world after that case with the magic kids had been settled, and that was exactly what was wrong.

"You know what I wish, Marth?" Ike asked his partner (in law, you fools, they're not gay!). "I wish some hot blonde would come into this here office and tell me to prosecute her breasts or something." Marth replied in Japanese. "Well of course the cherry blossom flowers in spring! Also, it would be hot, duh." The blue-haired royal raised an eyebrow and offered up some more Japanese sentences. "You already said that, Marth, and yeah, I know I could ask, but this way is much cooler. Do you think I went through all those years of law school just to put criminals in jail and make money? I mean, that was part of it, but I was kinda assuming I'd get laid more. I mean, how cool would it be if, say, Peach were to burst through the door and tell me we needed to work intimately together to find King Dedede's missing hammer or whatever?"

At this, the door flew open and Ike assumed the happiest expression he'd had on his face since…well, yesterday, actually, because he was on TV yesterday and he won a case and all that, but the expression soon turned into an emoticon-esque L as the person in the doorway was revealed to be that weird reporter who always talked about how soft Democrats were or something. "Hi, Sonic." said the attorney, although said might not be the right word, as the two words sort of just fell out of his mouth and hung in the air like the fools they were.

"Hey, Mr. Eisenhower, sir. I just wanted to give you this – I know you like Hot Pockets." offered the Blue Blur, laying a Hot Pocket down on Ike's desk. "Bye now." Sonic began to do that cartoon thing where people run in place really fast and then they speed off at a billion miles per hour until Ike stopped him.

"Wait, hold on. Why do you keep calling me Mr. Eisenhower? Is that like an inside joke I don't know about?" asked Ike. Marth simply shrugged. "Well, uh, Ike," Sonic began, "it's your name, isn't it? Dwight David Eisenhower?" He pulled up Wikipedia on Ike's laptop.

"You must have some other guy. That photo looks nothing like me. Besides, I probably would've voted for Stevenson, according to this article." responded Ike. The hedgehog looked crestfallen. "Huh. Now that I look at you guys side by side, there is a difference – his hair isn't that exact shade of blue that you have. Guess I'll go cry alone in my room now." He began to trudge towards the door with a dejected look on his face.

"Wait, Sonic, you don't have to go!" exclaimed Ike. "It's no use; it's not like you can go back to 1952 and tell him to dump Nixon."

"Oh, really, Sonic? Isn't it?" queried the lawyer. "No, it isn't. Have a nice day, Ike." replied Sonic, closing the door behind him. "Shit, I thought that would work. Well, at least it was worth a try." Marth nodded and spoke in Japanese again. "I'm well aware of that, Marth."

**MEANWHILE, IN THE ROOM NOW SHARED BY TOON LINK AND THE ICE CLIMBERS**

"No, you're wrong! You guys don't need a whole bunk bed thing all to yourselves – look at you, you're practically one person as it is!" exclaimed Toon Link, who was presently annoyed by the fact that the Ice Climbers only had one bunk bed and he would have to sleep on the couch for the next ten years – either that or build a bed from scratch.

"Look, Toony, it's not like we can sleep on the same bed. Our combined parka weight would crush the poor thing to smithereens, and then where would we be? We'd just have two mattresses, and sleeping on just a mattress is for poor people." chided Popo. "Since you're new around here, you take the couch

"How about no?" retorted TL. "How about I fucking beat you to death?" agitated Popo, waving his hammer about menacingly before Nana stepped in. "Boys, please, let's not get too hasty. TL, sleep on the couch – I can ask the Hands for some extra blankets."

TL pondered this new turn of events until steam started rising from his body, and a lightbulb appeared above his head. "Wait! Couldn't you guys just take off your parkas and stuff, and then we could all fit on the bunk bed without weighing it down too much? Oh, yeah, TL's a fuckin' genius! Look at me now, Grandma! You said I could never succeed! What now? What fucking now?"

"Calm down, TL, I'm not going to remove my parka. Nana, you stop that! TL is going to sleep on the – "

All (male) eyes turned to Nana, or at least, the person that used to call herself Nana until she removed the aforementioned parka. Popo and TL's eyes widened in shock as they said in unison:

"Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence? What are you doing here and what have you done with Nana?"

"Wait, who's Nana? Is she the owner of that parka, 'cause if so I think I have to give it back to her – I just found this on the floor." said Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence. "By the way, is meth legal here? 'Cause if it is, then name your price, am I right? Am I right?" She began elbowing TL, who started to back away in fear, drawing his sword.

"Hey, Ms. Lawrence, could you, like, not be in our room and give Nana back? Seriously." asked Popo. "I already told you, I don't know who Nana is. I just found this parka on the floor, and I assumed nobody lived here so I just took it." responded Jennifer Lawrence.

"Wait, what? You assumed nobody lived here? A room with beds, memorabilia, two goddamn fridges, and that Hugh Jackman poster Nana won't take down and you assumed no one lived here?" exclaimed Popo, raising his voice to silence TL's vain attempt to pipe up in the conversation – we all know who the true master of the house is here: his name starts with Po and ends with po.

"Calm down, brodawg. I thought this was some sort of lost and found, and that everyone around here just lost a lot of climbing gear and elf hats." said Jennifer. "And continuing on the subject of drugs, meth?"

"Nope, no meth here, despite my fervent protests. I do have some pot though, and I'm willing to share with someone of your status, Ms. Lawrence." answered TL. "And don't say brodawg. That's also illegal."

**SEVERAL HOURS LATER, AFTER POPO, TL, AND JENNIFER LAWRENCE WERE COMPLETELY HIGH ON ALL THAT MARIJUANA THE YOUNG'UNS ARE SMOKING THESE DAYS**

"Dude, if you say parka over and over again it just sounds like a birdcall or some shit Pikachu would say – wait oh my god if Nana and I formed a band we could call ourselves Linkin Parka and it would be the greatest band ever."

"No dude, all three of us here have to run away from the mansion and, like, steal guitars or whatever and we'd call ourselves Toony and the Climbers and Jennifer, you can pretend to be Nana."

"I'm cool with that."

"Cool beans. Popo, man, you down with that? We need to sign a blood oath."

"Yeah TL, I've got a knife."

"Hey guys I read on the internet that if you cut yourself when you're on drugs you don't feel anything and there was a guy who jumped through a window on PCP and he was totally fine."

"Damn, girlfriend, why you so cray-cray?"

"No, she's telling the truth, Popo, I read that too. See, look, I cut my hand off there and I'm fine."

"Cool. So did we all sign the blood oath? Is Toony and the Climbers ready for its inaugural tour of upstate New York?"

"Yep."

"Yeah."

"Hey, TL, speaking of cutting off your hand, how do prosthetic arms work?"

"I don't know man. I think they, like, attach a fake hand and do some electronics and your nerves connect to the hand and you control it with your mind."

"Dude, that's fucking amazing."

**TEN MINUTES LATER**

"Holy shit, guys, my fucking hand is on the ground! Jesus Christ, the stump is bleeding everywhere! Call the fucking ambulance, guys!" Toon Link's gaze shifted rapidly between Popo, Jennifer Lawrence, his severed hand, and the stump of his right arm.

"It's no use, TL! They keep saying it's a prank call and won't let me talk to the ambulance people! Popo, you try!" Jennifer handed the phone over to the Ice Climber and he started shouting obscenities into the receiver: "WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN YOU CAN'T REATTACH A FUCKING HAND! I CLIMBED 32 FUCKING MOUNTAINS IN A FUCKING DAY AND YOU'RE TOO INCOMPETENT TO OPERATE FUCKING DUCT TAPE? FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR."

TL stood at the window, looking out at the sunset with Jennifer at his side. "It'll never be the same without Dexter." He wiped away a single tear with his stump-sleeve.

"Don't worry, TL, everything's going to be fine. We can build a new society from the ashes of the old. Together, we'll set things right. Also, you'll still be sleeping on the couch."

**(AN: There you have it, folks, the answers to your/my questions from chapter 1. Also, is Wolf a pirate in Star Fox canon? I'm just saying he is 'cause it's more badass, but that might not be true – I think he's just a mercenary of some sort. Thirdly, my apologies to Jennifer Lawrence.)**


	5. Chapter 4

**(AN: So this is Chapter 4. Back to Ness and Lucas! Also a little side note to my fanbase (I prefer the term "fanbase" because "the probably 2 people who would actually be sad if this were to stop updating" sounds less cool): I was checking in on my reviews, 'cause I'm a narcissistic little bastard, and I saw that that LordLenne dude who writes all the porn did a review, so I feel happy on the inside! Don't worry, Mr. Lenne, you'll get a nice treat in a few chapters – I haven't decided when exactly I'll put it, but it is coming (no pun intended ;)). And while I'm at it, how about I give shout-outs to those other nice people who reviewed/followed this little old story. I've mentioned ohkaylasun, so there's her, but thanks also go out to Sugar'n'Spice'n'Luv, c chimera, love2game, and Old Justice, to whom (and to all of you really) I shall inform that I'm planning on continuing my update-every-two-days schedule, so now you've got a solid rock around which to center your child/adolescent gay romance fanfiction lives. Jesus, that was a long update – it's exceeded the word limit for letters to my local paper! Anyway, my deepest gratitudes (one gratitude, two gratitudes, etc.) to all you fans; I couldn't have done it without you.)**

**CHAPTER FOUR: IN WHICH SNAKE IS RATHER UPSET, CONFUSED, AND THEN UPSET AGAIN, FOR REASONS THAT WILL SOON BECOME APPARENT**

"Where the hell are we?" grumbled Ness, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The room in which he and Lucas were currently situated was a bleak metal hellscape much smaller than their actual room/makeshift prison cell. "I think it's an actual prison." responded Lucas. "And there's no furniture, either. That thing-person from earlier probably put us here 'cause we found out where we were being held."

"Yeah, why were we next to Master's office anyway?" asked Lucas, who was currently applying an entire bottle's worth of hair gel to his head-curl thing in an effort to keep the curvature at the exactly proper level.

"Dude, how much do you spend on that stuff?" exclaimed Ness, pointing in shock at the now-empty bottle. Lucas looked up from his intense hair-shaping to answer: "It's not my fault I happen to enjoy molding my hair as I see fit!"

"…I'd just like to point out that you, at this moment, are the single gayest person I have ever met. I mean, come on Luke, hairstyling? The only way you could possibly be more flamboyant is if you were wearing a thong covered in penises! Also, come to think of it, how long have you been using hair gel? I've never seen you apply it." accused Ness.

"Look, I can't help the fact that I get up at 7 o'clock and eat breakfast before you even open your eyes – you won't get up before 11 unless there's a goddamn meteor shower." Lucas stuck out his tongue and waggled it around in the air. "And you're coming across pretty homophobic for a guy who professes eternal love for yours truly every night before you fall asleep."

At this, Ness began to blush. "Well, uh, would somebody who's homophobic do this?" he asked, bringing his face right next to Lucas's and kissing the younger boy right on the lips, sneaking his tongue in there like some sort of kissing ninja. The two boys closed their eyes and blocked out all outside influences (not that there were any in a decrepit metal hellscape), caring only about each other in that moment and all that romantic twaddle until they broke off the kiss for air.

"That was certainly satisfying. Also, weren't we supposed to be figuring out where we are?" remarked Lucas. "If only we had a bed." At this point a panel on the ceiling opened up and a small orb fell through, which immediately expanded into a double bed upon hitting the ground. A man in a hard hat poked his head in through the hole. "Sorry about that, boys – we were just carrying this over to the moving van. Should we send a crew down to get it?"

"Nope, it's fine," answered Lucas. "We were wanting a bed anyway. Oh, and could you tell us where exactly we are?" The man looked away from the boys at something they couldn't see and whispered to someone else before replying: "Well, I'm sorry, but I've been told I'm not allowed to make you aware of that. Sayonara, gentlemen!" He closed the panel, leaving Ness and Lucas in the same state as before, but with the added presence of a new bed that looked rather similar to the one in their room/makeshift prison cell. At least that was an improvement.

**MEANWHILE, AT THE GLORIOUS HEADQUARTERS OF SNN**

"No, no, a little more to the right." snapped Dear Leader Snake at the workers who were currently tasked with positioning the giant bronze statue of himself behind his desk. "I want him to constantly loom over the entire newsroom. It's symbolic, you see. And hurry up! We're live in ten minutes – you know what? Leave it where it is; we can reposition it later. I've got a teleprompter to read."

Action! The sirens blared, the obnoxious music played, the voiceover voiced over, and every Smasher with a television tuned in to Channel 2 for the latest news updates. "Good evening, you're watching the Snake Tells You What Happened Today In Case You Didn't Experience The Events Firsthand Show. I'm your host, Snake. We start off today with Part 9 of our potentially 3,650-part series, What the Hell is Going On In That Makeshift Prison Cell?, or whatever it's called. For more, we go to Camera 5 live at the makeshift prison – OK, something's wrong here." Snake shuffled his papers and looked off to the side. "Zelda, where the hell are Ness and Lucas? They didn't escape, did they?"

"Well, they're not in their cell, so there must be something wrong." replied Princess Zelda. "Wow, great journalism skills there, Zellie. Always making me feel good about my workplace decisions. Is Sonic here? What? He's crying alone in his room? What for? Well, the District Attorney can go fuck himself with that giant sword of his; I'm going down there myself." Snake stood up and ushered Zelda over to the desk. "Look, Princess, I'm going down to check on Ness and Lucas's situation. If you do your job right and read the other news stories for me, I'll take back everything I said about your weight the other day, OK?" Zelda nodded after Snake as he snatched Peach away from tuning up her camera and dragged her off with him to the makeshift prison cell.

**MEANWHILE, AT THE MAKESHIFT PRISON CELL**

"I'm here at the makeshift prison cell with my lovely camerawoman, Princess Peach (and it is extremely generous of you to come down here on such short notice, so many thanks to you), and I can't help but notice that it's right next to Master Hand's office, which is weird because I don't recall it being there before. All you loyal viewers can tweet your thoughts using the hashtag #snakeshow." Intrepid reporter-turned-anchor after he killed the last one-turned-reporter again Snake knocked on the door, which bore a sign labeled "PRISON" that had been hastily slapped over Ness, Lucas, and TL's names.

"Guys? Are you in there?" There was no response. "OK, this might get messy. Stand back, Peachy." He reared back and kicked down the door with his powerful right foot, as opposed to his less powerful other appendages, peering into the makeshift prison cell through the cloud of smoke.

"As you can see, loyal viewers, there's no one in this room, in much the same way that there are no women in my romantic life. Dear God, I'm so alone." He backed out of the makeshift prison cell and surveyed the general area.

"Hey, Peachy, do you think we should ask the Hands about this? Master's probably not back, but it's worth a try." Snake knocked on the office door. "Hey, Master! You in there?" As with the makeshift prison cell, there was no response, so Snake respectfully opened the door and stepped inside.

The shadowy figure that had accosted Ness and Lucas previously got up from Master Hand's desk and walked swiftly towards the news crew, putting its hand on the lens so that the loyal viewers could see nothing. "Hey, Mr. Shadowy Figure, sir, could you please not do that to the camera? We only have a limited – Ow!" The sounds of Snake being accosted by the figure were all that penetrated the minds of the Smashers watching in their rooms, popcorn in hands. "Wait a second, I recognize you! You're – " There was a sharp noise from the camera, as if it was being assaulted, and then everything shut off.

"Well, loyal viewers, I guess we won't be seeing any more of Snake and Peach. All hail your new Dear Leader here at SNN, Princess Zelda!" The princess cackled with glee as the studio lights went an evil shade of red. Fade to black. Oh yeah.

**(AN: Cliffhanger again! Woo! You loyal readers will be seeing what happens to Snake in the next chapter, though, so don't you worry your pretty little heads, all right? See you in Chapter 5!)**


	6. Chapter 5

**(AN: Well, this note is certainly a reprieve from that of the previous chapter! Welcome to Chapter 5, which is really Chapter 6 because of the prologue. Old Justice, I'm glad to tell you that your concerns (assuming they are Snake-related) will be addressed in this chapter. If they're about that thing with Zelda, you'll have to wait and see. Shout-out to The Star of Neo-Nova for following.)**

**CHAPTER FIVE: IN WHICH METAPHORICAL-BABY GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REVOLUTION COMES INTO THE WORLD AND THE DOCTORS HIT HER UNTIL SHE CRIES**

**MEANWHILE, IN THE ACTUAL PRISON CELL**

A never-before-seen door opened in the harsh metal walls of the actual prison cell as unseen hands threw Snake inside. As his disoriented eyes scanned the room, they rested on the only real defining feature, the bed with those two murderous prisoners on it. Ness was currently on top of Lucas, cap off, his arms straddling the blond boy's shoulders, clearly about to engage in some romantic or sexual act of some nature (and by "some nature", we mean "homosexual", a concept which Snake, being a product of his time and place, had not fully grasped). As they noticed the bearded soldier, their eyes widened in shock, and they exclaimed in unison: "We're rehearsing for a play!", Ness adding "About CPR!"

"It's OK, boys, we know all about your little thing – I had cameras in the makeshift prison cell, remember?" Snake took out a joint. "You boys OK if I smoke this?" The two nodded as Snake took out his lighter. "You know who the best pot dealer around is? Fucking Popo. I tell you, when you guys turn 21, you are going to go zillions of dollars in debt to that guy and are going to have to pay off all that shit, and you may have to commit murder to do so. By the way, why are you guys here? I was investigating your disappearance when a mysterious figure in a black cloak knocked me out and threw me here."

"Same thing for us – not the disappearance bit, but the figure and the knocking out. But we did get our old bed back in a charming coincidence, so that's cool." said Lucas. "When do you think they'll let us out?"

**MEANWHILE, AT THE GLORIOUS HEADQUARTERS OF THE FORMER SNN**

"Welcome to Zelda News Network! I'm your host, Zelda! While you pitiful creatures lead your pitiful lives, I'm busy newsing it up in the newsroom with my newsfriends, like Sonic and Peach and ROB the Intern! I enjoy long walks on the beach and killing my husbands for their money. Enough about me, though – let's hear more about you, loyal viewers." There was a pause. "OK, I guess you don't really want this relationship. Fine then! I don't even care! On to the news. Our top story tonight: trouble brewing at Smash Mansion as the area around Master Hand's office – and the makeshift prison cell which is apparently now located there – has become the stuff of legend among Smashers overnight, with some saying it is haunted by a shadowy, mysterious figure in a black cloak. Toon Link hasn't even gone back, even though the prisoners (what were their names again? Less and Nucas?) have apparently left; this is probably because he was last seen passed out on the streets of Albany along with Popo and Jennifer Lawrence. Our second story tonight: Jennifer Lawrence has apparently stolen Nana's clothes! For more, we go to Red, in the main room thingy – you know what I'm talking about, that room in the middle of the mansion with that big portal. Red, you're on the air."

"Thanks, Zelda. Always a pleasure to work with a beautiful lady such as yourself, if I do say so myself. I'd tip my hat to you if it weren't for that tragic accident on Lylat Cruise last month." reported Red, whose parents were not the most creative folks. "So yeah, no one knows where the hell Nana is. I'd ask Ms. Lawrence, but she's in Albany. By the way, loyal viewers, Toony and the Climbers' debut album, _Eggplant Blues_, is in stores now and I, as your unofficial music critic, highly recommend it, as does Charizard here. Don't you, Charizard?" "Charizard!" "Well, I liked Silver Linings Playbook, so you can take your opinion and shove it!"

"Thank you, Red, for that unpermitted bit of music criticism. I'll be seeing you later to discuss the variety of other jobs available at SNN." responded Zelda. "Now we turn to Sonic for – what do you mean he hasn't left his room in days? Well, the District Attorney can go fuck himself with that giant sword of his!"

**MEANWHILE, IN THE BIG MAIN ROOM THINGY**

"Ladies and gentlemen, you know why we are here. We've not much time and quite a problem here." Chairman Red called the inaugural meeting of the Committee on Public Safety to order. "Our first order of business is to find out where the hell Ness, Lucas, and Snake are, because that shadowy figure in Master Hand's office is getting on my nerves. Pikachu, you have the floor."

"Pi pi pi pikachu!" said Pikachu, doing that politician gesture where they put their thumb on top of their fist. "Wow, Pikachu, that was incredibly moving and if you guys can't understand Pikachan you are missing out on the greatest oration of our time. I move to end the gold standard right away!" Red wiped away tears with his handkerchief and cleared his throat before speaking again. "As Pikachu was saying before he delved into that incredible speech, we should check out the large moving trucks that somehow got onto the floating island upon which, as you know, the mansion is located. All in favor?" There was a general chorus of ayes from the assembled Smashers. "Then we are decided: to the moving trucks!"

**MEANWHILE, AT THE PLACE WITH THE LARGE MOVING TRUCKS**

The Pikmin were restless. "The Pikmin are restless," said Olimar. "They say some weird people are moving Ness and Lucas and TL's old stuff into the trucks, and they keep singing in Japanese."

"All right, boys (and Samus), it's time for the Red Army to give these gentlemen what-for! Committee Vice-Chair McCloud, tell them the gory details." Red gave the floor over to Fox, who was rather out of breath from dragging his off-brand interactive whiteboard all the way out to the place where they were. "OK, so we're represented by these Xs, and the people over there are the Os, and we have to get three in a row – wait, no, wrong slide. OK, I'll fake a pass to Pit and – sorry, wrong slide again. Third time's the charm. According to this slide, which I swear is the correct one, we all just go out and shoot those bastards up with guns and lasers and stuff. Keep some of them alive for interrogation, though."

"Thanks, Vice-Chair McCloud – " "Just Fox, please." "Thanks, Vice-Chair McCloud, for that enlightening report. Charge!" At Red's command, the assembled Smashers (composing a good twenty of those enrolled at the mansion) leapt out from behind the bushes and charged forward, yelling things like "This is Sparta!" and "Hyaa!" and all that. Most of the moving-van people dropped instantly, with only a few stragglers left. Wolf quickly caught one, yelling "Guys, we can keep this one alive!" and put his gun to the man's temple.

"OK, OK, I'll talk!" he gibbered in fear. "Those boys and that soldier are right below us – there's a secret panel somewhere around here; I don't know where it is exactly! There should be a switch somewhere inside one of those trucks. Please don't kill me!" Wolf did that weird smile of his where he showed one fang from his mouth, which was cool and all, but it made him talk funny. "Bangarang, motherfucker." He pulled the trigger and the poor man collapsed to the ground. "Now, where's that switch?"

"Oh, I found it while you guys were busy killing people." said Red. "Now, if I just push this button – " A large cannon arose on the roof of the truck and fired off some sort of blast. "Well then, I guess it's this button over here."

Upon Red's pressing of the second button, a patch of fake grass opened up to reveal a square hole in the ground, in which Lucas, Ness, and Snake presumably were located.

"Hey, guys? Glorious Revolution here, ready to pick you up! Olimar, throw down a rope for our little inmates and that other, larger inmate." The explorer did as was requested, and the prisoners did that thing like in _The Dark Knight Rises_ where Batman climbs out of that hole with the rope, except this time the rope was made of other living creatures.

"Damn, it feels good to see colors other than gray!" exclaimed Ness. "What's with all the dead bodies?" "Collateral damage." replied Red. "We had to bust some heads in the process of extricating you folks from prison."

"Cool beans. Thanks for saving us, guys." Lucas shook hands with the higher-ups on the Committee. "So what do we do now?"

Marth raised his hand, with Ike translating. "The cherry blossom flowers in spring, so we should go expose that shadowy figure for who they really are!"

"Oh, we know about that." said Snake. "It's – " "Don't tell! We want it to be a surprise when we unmask this tyrant!" Red shushed the older man. "As chairman, I motion to adjourn for now and meet in the main room thingy tomorrow to plan and begin our assault. All in favor?"

"Aye." said the assembled crowd, and the Smashers went their separate ways.

**(AN: So yeah, that was Chapter 5. Tune in in two days for Chapter 6, where we may have to bump the rating up a bit, if you know what I'm sayi ng ;) ;) ;). Happy fanficking!)**


	7. Chapter 6

**(AN: On to Chapter 6 (although first I must give a shout-out to Creepy-Dogg or whatever for favoriting and following)! This one is an absolute filler/side-story chapter that will not affect your comprehension of the story if you skip it, and it is a lemon (however I'm not bumping up the overall rating because this is a totally optional chapter), so yeah: sexy times await ye, dear reader, though they may be too sexy/not sexy enough for your personal tastes, so don't be all judgy and flamy and all that. This is my first time writing something like this, so I'm sorry if it's not perfect and stuff – I could never approach the greatness of certain writers I could name. Don't like lemons, don't read.)**

**CHAPTER SIX: IN WHICH CLOTHING AND VIRGINITIES ARE LOST; THANKFULLY, THE FIRST ONE CAN BE RETRIEVED**

**MEANWHILE, IN THE NEW MAKESHIFT PRISON CELL INTO WHICH NESS AND LUCAS WERE TOSSED BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL TECHNICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE SERVING TIME**

"Hey, Ness." Lucas put his hand on his boyfriend's shoulder as the latter tossed his shirt into the dirty-clothes pile. "Turn around, por favor." The dark-haired boy obeyed as Lucas scrutinized his body. "You know, I've never fully realized it before now, but you're, like, really hot." Lucas blushed. "I mean, your face is cool and your dick is cool (from what I've seen of it at least), but I'd never actually stopped and looked at you like this, so, uh, just letting you know that your upper body is cool by my standards."

"Well, thanks Luke." said Ness, kissing the younger boy on the cheek. "I do get that a lot, but it's always nice getting complimented by someone in whom I hold in high esteem, such as you. Although, I must ask, why tonight? Is somebody feeling horny?" He winked at Lucas, who blushed again. "Well, uh, now that you mention it, I guess I am…in a state that some call 'horny', yes. Um, what about…you, Ness?" The blonde's face was now the shade of red that those cherries are in ice cream store promotional cards, except this time it wasn't a marketing trick to make you buy food.

"Let's dispense with the pleasantries: we're both so hard right now we could scratch a diamond with our penises." Ness had taken off his shorts by now and was standing there in his boxers, erection plainly visible. He scanned over Lucas's form and noticed that the boy was fully dressed. "Come on, Lukey, don't you want to make sweet, sweet love to this?" he asked, indicating his general area with his hands. Lucas began to take off his own clothes, tossing them aside as Ness finally removed his underwear and stood there, fully nude in the center of the room as Lucas, now equally unclothed and sporting an erection that would make even the most sex-crazed of Smashers (Wolf, for the record) drool with anticipation, walked right up to him and kissed the boy passionately. As they kissed, the boys began to feel their hands down each other's bodies, feeling the hips, the thighs, the buttocks, the chest, tracing the contours of each other's curves and feeling as deeply in love as they ever had. "I love you so much." whispered Lucas as the two sat down on the bed. "I love you too." replied Ness, tracing his index finger down his boyfriend's sternum and chest, over his bellybutton, and onto the shaft of his penis, swirling it around the glans and finally stopping its motion at the tip. "Do you want to?" he asked. Lucas had nothing to say; he merely nodded. "I think I just have to move my mouth and your dick around, with the latter inside the former, and you come. That sounds easy."

Ness slowly lowered his head onto Lucas's cock, gently placing his lips around the shaft and beginning to slowly stimulate the boy with his mouth. "Ness?" The boy in question looked up to see Lucas giving a weak thumbs-up. "Do more of that." Ness, naturally, obliged – one should never refuse a gentleman's request, especially if that request is "do/have/make more sexy times with me" – moving his mouth further up and down his lover's shaft faster and faster as he felt Lucas's reproductive system at work (what a waste of semen all this would be – the two of them would have the best children ever). "Ness, I – Ness! Ah!" Lucas was breathing heavily as Ness sucked harder and harder on his cock. "Oh God, Ness! Oh…!" At this point, Ness felt, tasted, smelled, heard, and saw semen explode out of Lucas like a…thing that explodes, like a geyser or whatever.

"Ugh, Jesus, that stuff tastes terrible," said Ness. "How'd your first orgasm feel?" "First? Pshah, Ness, you underestimate my skills with self-pleasure. But if we're discussing orgasms with guys, then it was the best." Lucas winked at the older boy. "Shit, I think I should take a break – I'm all penised out for now."

"No worries, we can wait a while. On another note, do I look better with my hat on or off? I mean, I've always worn it, but lately I've been starting to taper off in hat usage." Lucas pondered Ness's question for about two seconds. "On, definitely."

"Really?" Ness was surprised. "Yeah – it adds to your style, it makes you you, it calls to mind the image of a sexy baseball player, it's as American as apple pie and invading foreign countries." Lucas winked for the second time that night, this time with the other eye.

Now with both of the two lying on their backs, Ness leaned over and kissed Lucas on the cheek. "Did I mention I love you yet today? 'Cause I do." The blond boy rolled over and returned his boyfriend's kiss with his own, slowly starting to slide his hand down Ness's body, the latter smiling devilishly. "Ooh, Luke, do you want to taste the fruits of all my pubertal labor?"

There was an awkward silence, only broken by Lucas's interjection: "That was the worst come-on I've ever heard. I mean, really. You could've just said 'hey Lucas suck my dick' but no, you had to bring fucking fruit and puberty into the mixture, both of which I despise!"

"L" said Ness – the only proper way to write out the emotions present on his face. "Hey, Lucas, suck my dick." Lucas smiled and happily obliged, kissing his way down Ness's neck and chest – "my my, aren't you quite the lover" – until he made it to Ness's throbbing cock, covering the shaft and head with kisses and finally taking the member in his mouth, where he began to suck on and stimulate the head. "Damn, it feels good to be in love right now, doesn't it, Luke? No, wait, don't answer that – it'd interrupt the flow of pure sexual pleasure I'm currently experiencing, thanks to your adeptness at blow-jobbery." Lucas made a face that was everything required of a smile, except the mouth, which was (of course) full of penis-flesh at the time. Remembering Ness's technique that had felt so good, he began to move his mouth up and down Ness's shaft, stimulating the entire penis and bringing him closer and closer to orgasm. "Oh, Luke, I – ! Luke!" Just as Lucas had before him, Ness orgasmed in his lover's mouth.

Lucas quickly swallowed Ness's load. "I don't see what all the fuss was about with me – your semen tastes rather interesting." The two lay back on the bed again, all sexed out and flaccid now. "By the way, I love you too. Although, now that I think about it, I'm wondering if there was some way we could have done that thing with the penises and the mouths more efficiently. Like, at the same time and stuff."

Ness, as best he could in his post-not-coitus state, recoiled in horror. "You watch too much porn, Luke. Who would ever do that?" Lucas simply shrugged and pulled the blankets over their bodies. "Good night, Ness."

"Good night, Lucas. We should do that again some time."

"OK. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Good night."

"Night."

**(AN: So, yeah. That happened. See you in Chapter 7!)**


	8. Chapter 7

** (AN: Now back to the story! All will be revealed here, at least all regarding the shadowy figure.)**

**CHAPTER SEVEN: IN WHICH OUR RAGTAG BUNCH OF MISFITS GETS TOGETHER AND TAKES DOWN EVIL 'N' STUFF**

**OUTSIDE THE MANSION**

"Status update, ladies and gentlemen!" Red pounded on a nearby rock with some sort of gavel-based Pokemon he had created through generations of breeding. "As you know, while Ness and Lucas were busy having sex (and don't try to pretend you didn't – Zelda over here got every gory detail), that weird shadowy figure the identity of which everyone knows but me apparently took over the whole mansion and shoved us all out here in our sleep, so I move to start revolting right away. Master Hand, Toon Link, the Ice Climbers, and apparently Donkey Kong are on leave right now, and Zelda seems to be complicit with the shadowy figure's plans, so it's just us." The crowd murmured amongst itself until a hand was raised. Red banged his gavel. "The chair recognizes Snake."

"You know, ever since I was a boy, I've dreamt of being a news anchor, and now that I finally have the job, it gets taken away by that bitch Zelda! I vote we kill everyone involved in this plot and take back what's rightfully ours!" There was a scattering of applause from the more violently inclined members of the gang. "So is that a vote for revolution or what?" "Fuck yeah!" exclaimed Snake. Cheers abounded.

"All right then," said Red. "It's time to revolt! Meeting adjourned!" Falco got out a boombox thing and started playing "Revolution" by The Beatles, but he was quickly silenced when Mario, who was never a fan, set the aforementioned boombox on fire.

"Charizard!" chirped Charizard. "Fight the power indeed, Charizard. Fight the power indeed." replied Red.

Bowser smashed in the door and the gang busted in, weapons and magic and Pikmin and what have you a-blazing. The first thing they all noticed (except Lucas, who was fixing his hair) were the swarms of enemies that look disturbingly similar to the ones they had faced during that crazy thing with the war and the aliens and that Tabuu guy. "Hey, those look disturbingly similar to the ones we faced during that crazy thing with the war and the aliens and that Tabuu guy." remarked Falco. "Let's get those motherfuckers!"

"I think this room's cleared out, guys." reported Fox. "OK, everyone on this side of the line," he said, cutting through the air with his hand, "go that way – SNN HQ is there. Snake, you and I will lead the team. Everyone on the other side go to Master Hand's office and take down the shadowy figure, led by Red. Break!" He did that clap thing that quarterbacks do and the crowd obeyed, going their separate ways.

**ON THE MISSION TO CAPTURE ZELDA**

"So, uh, did you watch the game last night?" asked Snake to Link, shooting another minion in the face as the group hurried down the hallways of the house. "Nope. Never been that much into base ball." Snake's expression got a little less positive as he mourned the death of that potential conversation topic. "What about the news? Do you watch the O'Reilly Factor?" "Nope." "Shit. Uh…cows!" Link looked at the soldier quizzically. "Cows?" "Yes, you fool, cows!" Snake shot another minion. "The providers of milk!" Link smiled. "I do love me some tasty cow secretions!" The two shook hands. "I'm glad we had this talk." said Snake. "Hey, look, it's SNN! Time to take back my favorite chair!"

The two of them kicked at the large, opulent door, which was currently bolted with a gazillion locks. "Shit, man, why'd you make this door so impregnable!?" interrobanged Link. "Well, I never thought I'd have to break into it – I did it for the exact same reason Zelda probably did!"

"Hey! Hello! Listen!" A tiny, insufferable voice perked up, withering Link's eardrums as the hero sighed with annoyance. "What is it this time, Navi? Are my fucking hearts low?" "There's no need for that language, Link! I was just reminding you that you can open doors by pressing the A button." Link's face lit up. "Oh, yeah, we've got buttons. I don't think I realized that before. Thanks, Navi, I really appreciated that." he exclaimed, completely seriously, as he pressed A.

The door flew open and Zelda did that cool chair swivel thing. "Good morning, fellow Smashers. It's always nice to see you." Link stepped forward, sword at the ready, but Snake put a hand across his chest. "This is my fight." He stepped forward ahead of link, preparing to face Zelda. "It's been a long time, Zelda. I want my job back." Zelda smiled evilly. "Oh, please, Snake. You were never a good anchor to begin with. I've been covering the actions of our new overlord quite closely – I don't mean to brag, but I'm actually nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, something to which you never even came close."

Snake's eyes narrowed. "OK, that does it!" He quickly took out a box from his box dimension and tossed it over Zelda before she could react, sealing it closed with duct tape. "Huh. That was easier than I thought. Smashers, let's take her to actual prison!" He turned around only to see that there was no one in the group but him and Link. "Well, shit. I guess we were so busy talking among ourselves that we let everyone else on the team die." Link shrugged. "They all have 1-Ups, it's OK. We can carry Zelda by ourselves." The two hoisted up the box, over Zelda's protests, and carried onto their shoulders through the now-clear halls until they reached the site where they had found the actual prison cell, in a clearing outside the mansion. Snake opened the box and unceremoniously dumped the princess of Hyrule and former Dear Leader of SNN into the bleak hellscape. "And that's for removing my statue! Let's go, Link."

"Hold on, I want to have a few words with her – you can go on ahead and go the Revival Room." The Hylian hero turned back to the still-open ceiling hole through which Zelda (and Lucas, Ness, and Snake before her) had been tossed. "Hey, Zelda? Um, I've been meaning to ask you a question."

"Fire away. It's not like I have anything left to lose." Zelda emerged from the now-flaming box and brushed the dust off of her dress. "Well, uh, do you think Pit is cute?" Link started to blush. "Not that I've been nurturing a secret crush on him ever since we were together in that match against Ganondorf and Pikachu or anything, but you know. Just to, uh, get a…statistical thing."

Zelda winked with all the winkiness she could muster in her current state. "I'd say so, going by our society's conventional standards of beauty. I hear he likes movies, so that'd be a good first date option." Link's blushing intensified. "Nonoit'snothingIjustwantedanobjectiveopinionnotth atmyopinionissubjectiveoranythingbutyouknowbyeZeld ahavefunrottingawayinprison!" He immediately scurried off to join Snake and the rest of his once-fallen comrades.

**MEANWHILE, ON THE QUEST TO CAPTURE THE SHADOWY FIGURE**

Pit fired off another shot, decapitating a minion. "So, have either of you ever had boyfriends before?" The reply came in unison, "Nope.", with Ness adding "PK Fire!" at the end, although that was probably not an indication that he had previously dated Percival Kendall Fire, who was mayor of Onett in the '70s, because although he did have a cool last name, he was a crappy mayor and had died before the boy was born. "I mean, I've asked guys out, but no one in my town was gay apparently." explained Lucas. "Cool. Although, if you two ever break up (knock on wood – you guys are cute together), be prepared to meet some shitty guys. Take moi, for example. I just found out that the guy whom I had thought was my Internet boyfriend was actually a middle-aged cable repairman from Duluth, Minnesota. What the hell is Minnesota?" "That's like an American thing, isn't it? PK Thunder!" asked Lucas. Ness then piped up: "Ooh! Ooh! I know! It's a state thing and I went there on vacation and the people were all Swedish and it was weird." Pit was confused. "Wait, what's America?" The boys again answered in unison: "The greatest nation in the world/A collection of people who misspell colour".

"Cool. Hey, speaking of boyfriends, do you guys think I should ask Link out? He seems like he'd be nice." Pit stabbed a minion in the chest and the blood spurted all over his face and clothes. "Sure, I guess. I mean, I'm not an expert on guys, but you can do anything you want, Pitty Pat." said Ness. Lucas concurred with a nod and a "PK Fire!"

"We're at the door, guys! When I count to three, we're going to break this down and get that shadowy figure – but I want them alive and I don't want you guys to tell me who it is. I don't like spoilers!" Red's voice snapped the three out of their conversation. "OK. One, two, three! Lā ʾilāha ʾillā l-Lāh, Muḥammadun rasūlu l-Lāh, bitch!"

"Oh, hi, I didn't see you there." said the shadowy figure. "Take off the Darth Vader voice thing – we all know who you are. Red, put on earmuffs and we'll tell you what they say if you really want to have a big reveal and stuff." called Samus from the back of the crowd.

"No, I've had it with all this shadowing around and evicting and imprisoning! I'm going to unmask this shadowy figure myself!" Red took a deep breath, steeling himself for the biggest plot twist since Snape killed Dumbledore. "Go on, do it. It's not like taking off the mask and cloak will hurt me or anything."

Red tentatively reached out a hand, pulling off the mask and cloak in one fell swoop to reveal…

…a fellow Smasher, greeting him with an evil smile. His eyes widened in shock. "Now I understand everything! You're…"

**(AN: AHAHAHAHA! So this story arc is almost over J. I'll finish it up next chapter when I resolve that little cliffhanger, though some of you probably have guessed who it is by now (don't tell anyone though); however this fanfic will continue until I've damn well run out of ideas, so don't you worry. Apologies to any Muslims if I screwed that shahada up – I just copy-pasted it off of Wikipedia. See you in Chapter Eight!)**


	9. Chapter 8

**(AN: Here it is – the end of the fight with the shadowy figure! I'll continue the story after this, as I've stated, but this little kerfuffle will be over. Read on, dear reader!)**

**CHAPTER EIGHT: IN WHICH EVIL IS STRUCK DOWN FOR GOOD (OR AT LEAST UNTIL THE NEXT EVIL SPRINGS UP)**

"…Nana!"

The Ice Climber continued to smile evilly as Red fainted from shock. "You fools and your bands and prisons and lawyers and what have you. While you were busy ignoring me in favor of that idiot Popo, I took over the entire mansion! Nyeh heh heh!"

"But why would you do such a thing?" asked Peach. "Power. Fame. Money. Fun. Because I can." Nana rattled off a list of reasons. "Good slogan for a dictatorial empire, don't you think? Also I've got a long list of grievances with y'all: Popo beats me at Mario Kart all the time, Kirby's too damn attractive, Olimar always eats my sandwiches, Snake devotes too much time to that goddamn reality show, Ness and Lucas devote too much time to starring in that goddamn reality show, Ike and Marth are lawyers, Link broke my heart a week ago when all this began, Red's a Muslim and no offense but I find your people scary, Captain Falcon plays loud music, and Bowser always buys single-ply toilet paper, which is fucking stupid."

"You're a monster!" exclaimed Bowser. "And I'm not being racist – some of my best servants are monsters!" Nana simply laughed some more. "Nyeh heh heh! Could a monster do this?" She snapped her fingers and ropes dropped from the ceiling. "Wait…where are all the minions?"

Now it was Fox's turn to laugh. "We took care of them a long time ago. Zelda too – she's in a box in jail, or so I'm told." Nana's expression darkened. "Well, then, I suppose we'll have to settle this, mano a mano." Fox looked puzzled. "…Wait. You're a woman. And I'm a fox." "No, you fool, it means hand to hand! Or, in this case, hammer against the weapon of whoever decides to face me! Who wants to step up?" Nana twirled her hammer menacingly.

Everyone shuffled away – Nana had a look in her eyes that said something along the lines of "I'll kill anyone who comes within five feet of me", and no one wanted to take on someone with that look. A hand reached out and shoved Kirby into the ring. "Poyo!" "Shut up, you can take her!" "…poyo…"

The patch of floor upon which Kirby and Nana were standing suddenly rose up out of the ground, passing through the now-open ceiling and up into the sky. "First one off gets the mansion." "Poyo!"

3…

2…

1…

Fight!

Nana rushed forward, but Kirby was already inhaling. As the villainous Ice Climber wriggled around his mouth, he waddled (is there any other word for the manner in which Kirby locomotes?) off of the makeshift stage and fell, Nana still in his mouth, towards the ground and a speed rapidly approaching terminal velocity. Seconds before the two reached the ground, Kirby aimed his mouth downward and spat Nana out, slamming her body into the floor and knocking her unconscious.

"Woo! I always believed in you Kirby, even when I said you were a lunatic who should be put to death! That was just tough love!" King Dedede's voice called out from somewhere in the crowd. Kirby bowed as much as a round ball of fluff could as he accepted the accolade. "All right, ladies and gentlemen!" Red was awake now and leaning on Fox's shoulder as he waited for the strength to return to his legs. "As chair of the Committee on Public Safety, I hereby vote to abolish the Committee of Public Safety. All in favor?" The crowd murmured an assortment of ayes as Red started to tear up. "IT'S SO SAD! JUST LIKE WHEN LITTLEFOOT'S MOM DIED AND BAMBI'S MOM DIED AND THE ENDING OF SUPER MARIO GALAXY WHEN ALL THE LUMAS GET REINCARNATED OH GOD!" He sank to his knees, gavel still in hand as Fox, Falco, and Wolf helped him up. "…This meeting's adjourned, I guess."

The Smashers all shuffled back to their rooms, the final confrontation with evil rather anticlimactically over, and immediately started to ease back into their normal lives of baseball and terrible reality TV shows.

"So, uh, Link…do you want to, um, uh, go out sometime?" It was a wonder Pit managed to get the words out of his choked-up esophagus. Link blushed for the billionth time that day (only the seven-hundred-millionth related to Pit, however). "Uh, yeah, Pit, I'd love to go out with you. How about the movies? I hear _Citizen Kane_ has gotten good reviews and it's playing tonight at 8." Link looked hopeful as he put Zelda's words of wisdom to the test. "Sure, that sounds good. …Do we shake now? I think we do." Pit proffered his hand nervously and felt a rush of excitement when Link grasped it in his own. "Bye Link." "Bye Pit. See you."

**MEANWHILE, IN THE MAKESHIFT PRISON CELL**

Ness paused the game to adjust his cap to the perfect angle. "It's nice of Snake to give us this giant TV and stuff. We should probably thank him in sign language on the next episode of _What The Hell Is Going On In That Makeshift Prison Cell?_." "I agree." said Lucas, who, while Ness was speaking, had surreptitiously reached over and unpaused the game, allowing the other boy's character to explode in a mass of bloody flesh-bits. "Dude, I was almost at the save point!" Lucas merely grinned fiendishly as he continued to massage his boyfriend's shoulders. "You know, you're pretty good at this, Luke. Have you ever considered selling your services?" "Now, now, Nessie. Last time I checked, selling services normally reserved for your lover was illegal in most states."

"Not all of them – and last time I checked, the Republic of Smash Mansionia didn't have laws on the books regarding what consenting folks can do in the privacy of their own bedrooms." Ness purred sensually, turning off the game. "I'm sure the others would line up around the block for you to rub their shoulders. I certainly would – yeah, do it more in that spot."

Lucas smiled. "Aw, you're just saying that 'cause we're a couple." Ness leaned his head back and kissed Lucas upside down like Spiderman in that movie. "That was your worst kiss yet – I've been keeping a chart and you've mostly been going downhill since Tuesday. Maybe you need some practice ;)." Lucas, who was blessed with the ability to voice punctuation marks. turned the older boy around and kissed him properly.

"I find it hard to believe you've never had a boyfriend, Luke – you're like gay Jesus without the crucifixion." "You tease, Nessie, you tease." The two kissed again as Lucas reached for more hair gel (he had noticed that a strand was out of place and consequently had begun falling in his eye).

"So who's going to fill the power vacuum now that Nana's gone? It can't be Crazy, 'cause he's Crazy." asked Ness. "I don't know, to be honest. I've heard rumors Master's on a Mediterranean cruise and has forgotten all about us." replied Lucas. "Maybe they'll have elections," postulated Ness, "in which case we could totally be running mates! Eugene Debs ran from prison and he was a badass, so why can't we?"

"Why do you know these things? Also, sure, though I think I should be at the top." asked Lucas. Ness was profoundly indignant at this suggestion. "Uh, Luke? Have you read any fanfiction? A: I'm always on top, no exceptions. B: It's Ness/Lucas, not Lucas/Ness. You get to be VP – the Johnson to my Lincoln, the Calhoun to my Jackson, the Nixon to my Eisenhower, the – " "Wow, Ness. You had all the VPs to choose from, and you picked the absolute worst. Great way to lift a guy's spirits!" Lucas stuck out his tongue. "If we're anyone, I'm the King to your Buchanan." Ness smiled. "I do like that idea, and it does fit with my thing. So, Ness/Lucas 2013?"

"Ness/Lucas 2013."

"Assuming, of course, that we have elections."

"Right."

"Right."

**(AN: Yeah, I was too damn lazy to write a long fight scene and so I did a cop out. Sue me – you're probably mostly here for the Ness/Lucas fluff anyway. While you're filing the paperwork, watch out for Chapter Nine! Also "gay Jesus without the crucifixion" is definitely a good line to use on your boyfriends.)**


	10. Chapter 9

**(AN: On to Chapter Nine, in which an entire election season happens in one chapter. New story arc, the shortest yet! I admit, however, that this is my least favorite chapter so far, but I've been writing these more quickly so I won't have to scramble for time. School is starting for me, however, so I may have to transition to a less-frequent update schedule or finish this up soon. I'll probably be writing more fanfiction, but it won't be as long as this. Anyway, read on!)**

**CHAPTER NINE: IN WHICH THE MANSION IS BLANKETED WITH CORPORATE MONEY UNTIL IT BEGS FOR MERCY IN A CRUEL JOKE MASQUERADING AS DEMOCRACY – WAIT, NO, SORRY, THAT'S MY HEADING FOR THE 2012 ELECTION COVERAGE**

**IN THE BIG MAIN ROOM THINGY**

"Sure, whatever, just don't burn down the mansion or anything. As co-Founding Father of this mansion, I don't even give a fuck. Crazy out." Crazy Hand downed his third shot of Crazy's Mystery Elixir, a cocktail of vodka, human blood, gin, the tears of innocence, 11 secret herbs and spices, and fracking fluid.

"OK, as Chair of the Committee on Public Safety, I'm installing myself as dictator and running for reelection." Red whipped out his trusty gavel. "Pikachu here will be running for Vice-Dictator by my side." "Pika!" Red frowned at this statement. "No need to use such harsh language, Pikachu, the Chinese are people too."

Fox stood up out of the rest of the crowd, who was mostly sitting in their comfy chairs. "Hey, man, you already got to lead stuff and you made me do all the dirty work! I'm running for Dictator on the Fuck Red Party, with Falco as my running mate." "Hear hear, motherfuckers." Falco raised a wing-arm-thing in acceptance of his nomination. "All right, we've got two parties, do we need more?" Red asked. "Last call for declarations, guys!"

"Captain Falcon and I will be running on a platform of cross-verse unity, so y'all should vote for us." Olimar stood up on his tiny chair, straining to make his voice heard. "Olimar, no campaigning in the non-campaign time. You have to pay a fine to my reelection campaign of a billion gazillion of the currency of your choice." Red was now juggling Pokeballs while balancing on top of a microphone. "And no, Nana, you don't get to run for anything ever. Why the hell are you still here? Someone get Nana out of here, meeting adjourned blah blah blah."

**MEANWHILE, AT THE GLORIOUS HEADQUARTERS OF SNN**

"The three-way race for dictator certainly got heated today as all three major candidates, all tied at 33% with 1% undecided or other, squared off in their first debate. Our analysis of swing voters in Ohio showed absolutely nothing, because most of them ran away as soon as we approached. Our analysis of the swing voters at Smash Mansion showed that Yoshi and Marth were undecided, mostly because neither of them spoke English." Snake turned to Camera 3. "The moment believed by many to be the highlight of the whole debate was when Red called Fox a 'jealous asshole', to which Fox replied 'Jealous? I'm not the one who constantly tries to steal other people's girlfriends,' and did that thing where he sets himself on fire. Here with us today is veteran political commentator Wolf O'Donnell, ready to analyze the Race for the Dictatorship: Indecision 2013."

"Thanks for having me, Snake. You know, when I was a young boy interning with the NSCAP, I learned a few things about international Jewry. Did you know that – " "Thanks for that insightful commentary, Wolf. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming, with _What The Hell Is Going On In That Makeshift Prison Cell?_."

**MEANWHILE, IN THE MAKESHIFT PRISON CELL**

The inmates were not doing anything lovey-dovey at the moment, as they were busy trying to find a sledgehammer or a manual entitled something like "How to Build a Sledgehammer in a Makeshift Prison Cell if Your Boyfriend is the Wimpiest 13-Year-Old In The Entire Fucking Universe, Jesus Luke, You Can't Lift Up A Goddamn Chair?" or something like that.

"Oh, hey, Luke – it was in my socks drawer all along." remarked Ness, withdrawing a comically large sledgehammer from a comically small drawer. "OK, we'll both hold it and slam into the wall on 3. 1…2…3…now – Luke! You didn't hold the thing!" He glared at Lucas, who was cowering under the bed. "I just have a really weird fear of getting hurt by large objects hitting me in various places, and it's not like it matters – you got through the wall anyway." Ness looked at the impact site, a rather large hole in the wall that was just large enough for them to climb through and into Master Hand's office. "No worries, I got us out of here with my manliness – wait, couldn't we have done this earlier?"

"Oh, I was totally fine with living in the cell, I only brought up escaping 'cause we need to file our candidacy." Lucas took a bite of a never-before-seen omelet as he climbed through the hole. "Now where's that paperwork?" "Red has it," replied Ness, "and we'll have to ask very nicely."

**MEANWHILE, IN RED AND THE POKEMONS' (POKEMON'S?) ROOM**

"Nein nein nein nein nein!" Red slammed his gavel against the wall. "By the way, y'all should get one of these – they're really cheap at that store Ganondorf works at." Ness and Lucas looked crestfallen. "But please sir, we're just poor British orphans who live on the streets and scrounge for rats – Lucas, do a fucking poor-British-orphan accent! – to sell to Peter, the older boy who mentors us!" Ness did his best puppy dog eyes.

"Nope, not happening. As Elections Administrator (and apparently rich Dickensian asshole), I can't let you boys join the race unless you declared at the last meeting, which you did not." He stuck out his tongue and closed the door. "Goodbye, back to prison you go."

The boys moped back to the makeshift prison cell in a funk of sadness until Ness piped up. "Hey, Luke! Remember how we're on TV for half an hour a day?" "Of course – remember when we turned on the TV that one time so we were watching Snake watch us watch Snake and it was an endless recursion that created a rift in the space-time continuum that, if written down and put on a page, would be even better than _One Hundred Years of Solitude_ and _Remembrance of Things Past _combined and riding a dinosaur?" Ness smiled. "How could I forget that? Anyway, I was thinking we could run a campaign from there, with signs and ads and speeches and stuff. We'd get a free half hour of pure campaigning every day." Lucas's eyes lit up. "Yeah! And we could do other stuff too, like when we're not campaigning we could remake Breaking Bad with two people! I call Bryan Cranston."

"See, Luke, this is why we're together: great minds think alike. Also we're the only gay kids in the mansion. Also we're stuck together for at least five years. But mostly great minds think alike." The boys had to enter their room again through the hole in the wall, as their actual door was locked on both sides for some reason.

**MEANWHILE, AT THE GLORIOUS HEADQUARTERS OF SNN, THE NEXT DAY**

"Hello and welcome to SNN. I'm your host, Snake. Our top story tonight: Red/Pikachu pulls ahead in the polls after Pikachu delivers a stunning performance in the debates, with Olimar and Falco immediately dropping out of the race out of respect for his stunning pro-bimetallism oratory. With no official opponents, Pikachu seems guaranteed to be your next Vice-Dictator. But what will happen at the top of the ticket? The answer: Fox and Captain Falcon will join together in a unity ticket, with Fox running for Dictator and Cap for Vice-Dictator. Rumors are spreading, however, of a write-in campaign by Ness and Lucas. Speaking of which, now it's time for _What The Hell Is Going On In That Makeshift Prison Cell?_"

**MEANWHILE, IN THE MAKESHIFT PRISON CELL**

"Ness for Dictator, Lucas for Vice-Dictator, 'K? 'K. Peace out." Ness did the Richard Nixon peace signs thing as Lucas waved a "Forty Acres and a Mule" sign in one hand and a "Repeal Smoot-Hawley" sign in the other and the "Breaking News" thing suddenly appeared on the screen. The cameras cut back to Snake.

"An update on the Dictatorial and Vice-Dictatorial races: Red and Pikachu have just won. Apparently they passed a law a while back that no one paid attention too and set the election time for two minutes ago. With 2 votes to 0, Red and Pikachu beat Fox and Captain Falcon in the biggest landslide since Reagan '84." Suddenly, Peach hurried over to the anchor and handed him a slip of paper. "I'm sorry, I'm being told that Ness and Lucas, who were waging a write-in campaign before we butted in, have requested a recount, so we'll be awaiting word from Elections Administrator Red on the results of – wait, nope, here he is. Red?"

"All right, citizens, listen up. After the recount, the votes are as follows. 2 Red/Pikachu and 2 write-ins, which are both for Ness/Lucas. I guess we'll have to resolve this somehow." Red's eyes lit up. "Oh, snap, best idea ever! As Elections Administrator, I hereby rule that I shall be Dictator and Lucas shall be Vice-Dictator and also not in prison. And so it is decided!" He banged the gavel. "I reiterate my support for everyone having one of these things. They're awesome."

"Thank you, Red. Now we await the Cabinet picks of our – " Suddenly, the newly-freed Lucas barged in. "IherebyinmycapacityasVice-DictatorpardonNessJohns onforallcrimeshehasevercommittedincludinghisconsis tentrefusaltopauseDVDswhenI'minthebathroomandalsoI appointhimasSecretaryofDefense." "Well, that was an interesting development. We apparently have a new Secretary of Defense, and I'm being told Pikachu is our new Secretary of the Treasury. All the other cabinet posts are being filled by, and I quote, 'whoever the fuck wants them, I don't care'. More on this developing story later." Snake shuffled his papers in order to look professional. "And now we begin our regularly-scheduled children's programming, _Wario 'n' Friends Kill Their Way Up The Ranks Of The Mafia_."

**(AN: All copyrights reserved to their respective owners. Stay tuned for Chapter Ten, which will put a nice little ending on this saga.)**


	11. Update

**(AN: Hey, guys, sorry I couldn't get a chapter up today – I had it all written out and was about to upload it to the Doc Manager thing, but then some weird stuff happened saving-wise and the whole thing got deleted L. I'll retype the whole thing (to the best of my ability) and upload it in two days. Again, sorry about this. Also, the thing changes the Microsoft Word sad face to an L, apparently, so for future (and previous) reference, all random Ls are supposed to be this - :.**


	12. Chapter 10

**(AN: Sorry about the delay, folks – as I stated in my update, I had some problems with Microsoft Word. Hopefully I'll be able to write a chapter just as good as my first one! Enjoy the ending of A Tale Of One Mansion And Various Goings-On Within and stay tuned for future stories! This contains sexy times, for all you readers with weak constitutions.)**

**CHAPTER TEN: IN WHICH NESS AND LUCAS LIVE LIVES OF EASE IN THEIR CUSHY GOVERNMENT JOBS – OR SO IT SEEMS**

**SEVERAL MONTHS AFTER CHAPTER NINE, IN THE SECRET WORLD GOVERNMENT BUILDING (AKA RED AND THE POKEMON'S ROOM)**

"So, Vice-Dictator Lukey, how's your love life? Has the strain of government jobs forced you and Ness to have super-secret on-the-fly meetings in between your busy schedules? Do you guys ever say stuff like 'honey I'm leaving now and I've got a lot of meetings today so I won't be back 'til 5 AM so you should make dinner for the kids I love you bye' and stuff and then it turns out you're having an affair which leads to a breakdown in your relationship and you guys get fired from your jobs and turn to drugs and prostitution?" Red reclined in the Imperial Throne, which was just a normal chair with "Imperial Throne" hastily scribbled on the back of it.

"…No. Why do you ask?" responded Lucas. "Is it like that with you and Samus?" Red did that thing in the movies where you look mysteriously out the window as you remove a cigarette from your mouth and blow an inordinate amount of smoke. "Nah, we're cool – Samus has had some trouble adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom, but we've managed to survive – no, Olimar, I'm having a meeting now. It's mostly because I made that decree – I don't give a shit about the program, I'm discussing my relationship! – about the free ice cream thing, but also because of endearing love and stuff." He put out the cigarette in an ashtray that hadn't been there before, courtesy of one of his slaves. "So what was your weirdest relationship?"

"Probably that time I was in Mecca for the hajj and I met this girl and we had sex in a shitty motel and the owner tried to knife us and we went on a wacky car chase and destroyed several historic relics. And then it turned out it was all for nothing 'cause the girl ended up being a lesbian. Anyway, that's why I'm banned from Saudi Arabia for life." Lucas's face bore an expression of puzzlement. "Isn't that against all the laws or something? Like Jewish people eating pork?" Red shrugged. "Look, I was in college and shit got weird – I was the only straight guy in my women's studies class and I tried to do cocaine and heroin at the same time once, which did not turn out well." He stretched his legs as Lucas polished off his fourth omelet in as many minutes.

"Oh, Lucas, I just remembered something! Go down to Ness's office and ask him about how that moon-laser thing that blows up planets is coming along – THEY ARE FUCKING CARROTS WITH FUCKING EYES, OLIMAR. THEY DON'T HAVE FUCKING SOULS. Sorry about that, Lucas, Olimar's trying to butt in about his little breeding-Pikmin-for-food project – he says goddamn carrots have feelings. We can continue talking about my mysterious past later, 'K?" Olimar buzzed in on the intercom. "Your Majesty, sir, they're getting angry – " "I WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF AND FEED IT TO THE FUCKING PIKMIN IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP. IF YOU SPEAK TO ME ONE MORE TIME TODAY I WILL STAB YOU. Bye Luke! Get back to me about Ness's moon-thing quickly!"

**MEANWHILE, IN NESS'S OFFICE**

"So how's that moon-laser thing that blows up planets coming along?" asked Lucas, leaning over the desk to put his face right next to Ness's. "Slow down there, Lyndon Johnson, the Murder Moon's doing quite well. It is noticeably vulnerable to photon torpedoes, but once we work out that little kink we can start actually constructing a prototype – I'll send Red the blueprints when we finalize them." Ness pushed himself up in the seat to kiss his boyfriend. "How about we hang out tonight for some sexy times – is 9 PM OK with you?" Lucas smiled. "It's perfect – I mean, it's not technically perfect, 'cause I've got to do an interview with SNN, but I can send Claus instead. I'll go tell Red about the Murder Moon."

"All righty then. See you, babe." Ness flashed a peace sign at Lucas as the latter opened the door. "Wait, no, dude, you can't just do that!" Lucas turned around to glare accusingly at the older boy. "You can only say 'babe' and other such terms of endearment if this is a romantic comedy and we're in the early-to-middle stages of our relationship, remember? It was on that big chart."

Ness simply shrugged. "But this thing is Romance/Humor, and we have only been dating for, like, a few months. And besides, you're the woman in this thing, so I'm allowed to call you babe whenever I damn well feel like it. Now go make me a sandwich with extra steak."

**LATER, IN THE EXACT SAME LOCATION**

"Hi, honey, I'm home!" Lucas opened the door to find Ness, already naked, masturbating furiously on the bed. "Hey, Luke. Sorry to ruin your '50s-era nuclear-family rapport, but it's 9:01 and I had to fill the time somehow."

"Well, now, Nessie, that doesn't seem very nice of you to start without me." Lucas smiled as he unbuttoned his belt buckle **(AN: Yes, everyone is wearing a suit unless otherwise stated in this chapter, because everybody likes a sharp-dressed man.)**. "By the way, do we have any condoms left? Last time I checked we were running pretty low – I can go out and get some when I'm next able to."

Ness smiled devilishly. "It doesn't matter, Lukey, I don't have AIDS or anything like that. I do have a raging erection, though, as you can quite clearly tell." Lucas's face wrinkled in disgust. "You really need to stop coming up with those lines on the spot," he admonished, pulling down his underwear. "It jolts me out of the experience, like when you're reading a really good book and there's a typo – actually it's more like when you're reading a really good book and then there's semen all over one of the pages."

"Don't worry, you'll get back into the experience when I when I'm making sweet, sweet love to you and you come all over the bed 'cause my dick is amazing." purred Ness as his lover rolled onto his stomach. "Now remember, if I do anything you're not 110% OK with, just say so, 'K?" He slowly began to penetrate –

"Ness!"

"What?"

"Something's wrong."

The floor beneath their feet began to tremble (unlike The Ceiling Above Your Head, a band Ness was a bit of a fanboy about; they just played guitars and sang) as Ness quickly pulled out, the boys scrambling to put on sufficient clothing so as to preserve their modesty. Suddenly, there was a great crash and the wall exploded. The last sound Lucas heard before everything went black was Ness's voice, yelling "Luke! I don't want to die! I haven't even eaten fried crickeeeeeeeeeeeeets…!"

**LATER, IN THE ACTUAL PRISON CELL**

It took a while for things to come into focus, but when they did Ness's brain registered the familiar gray walls of the actual prison cell, which was currently occupied by most of the other Smashers. "Hey, guys. Good thing you came too – we were about to start deciding who would eat which bits of you." said Pit as he put down his spork (Yeah, Pit uses sporks. What are you gonna do about it?). "As you are no doubt aware, I am currently dictator of the government-in-exile of Smash Mansion – they killed Red and incapacitated you, so seeing as I'm next in the chain of command, I get all the rights and responsibilities of running this thing. Technically, now that you two are awake, Lucas gets to be Dictator now, but I just passed a law saying that I'm eternal Dictator, so you can suck it."

The boys looked at each other confusedly. "Wait, does this have anything to do with the Pikmin Project?" asked Lucas. "You'll see, according to the Revolutionary Government's recent press release. You'll see at 5:00 on SNN." replied the angel, checking his watch. "It's 4:59:59 right now, so – " At that point, a heretofore unseen TV screen flickered to life and the familiar SNN voiceover and music played. However, this time the desk was not occupied by Snake (he was gritting his teeth in rage at this usurpation of his rightful throne) but instead a mysterious carrot-like character whose face was framed in shadow.

"Greetings, Smashers, greetings. I am General Matthew Ben-Gurion, head of the Revolutionary Pikmin Government, and yes, I have heard every joke you can possibly think of." The gang was silent, except for Nana, who was muttering under her breath about the "goddamn Zionists", but honestly, who gives a fuck about Nana? "For too long, we have been oppressed by the established order, but today we rise up! We shall destroy the chains that bind us to a life of servitude and forge new chains with which to bind our masters! Nyeh heh heh!" General Ben-Gurion beckoned and a tiny, weeping figure was brought forth. As the camera zoomed in, the figure was revealed to be (of course) Secretary of Agriculture Olimar VII. Gasps rang out through the hushed prison cell, quickly turning to screams of terror as a masked executioner stepped out of the shadows wielding an axe. Several Smashers closed their eyes as the axe made one clean cut that severed the explorer's head from his body.

"Yes, my friends, the Pikmin race is truly the most glorious among all races, and this day has firmly established that fact." Ben-Gurion smiled. "And now, as an expression of our divine mercy and willingness to avoid any messy incidents, we'd like to introduce to you a little friend of ours, Mr. Deadly Neurotoxin. Goodnight, Smashers."

A hole in the ceiling opened up and a canister fell out, which quickly split open and started leaking a mysterious gas…

**LATER, OUTSIDE THE MANSION**

The limo finally came to a complete stop, and Toon Link, Popo, and Jennifer Lawrence exited with their instruments in hand. "I wonder what's been going on since we left?" wondered TL. "It's probably nothing," assured Popo. "We should go tell the others all about that weird alien we saw in Binghamton."

"Nah, let's watch SNN first – Snake's show'll probably be on." responded TL.

"Yeah, you're right." acquiesced Popo. "I'm sure everything will be totally normal."

**THE END**

**(AN: So yeah, sorry this chapter was put up so late – I had to finish it up and stuff. No offense to any Jewish readers out there; General Ben-Gurion is not related at all to that other guy. Anyway, y'all should stay tuned for whatever stories I think of next, though I probably won't be able to write them at this fast a pace. Happy fanficking!)**


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